i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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