It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
