there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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