you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
