the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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