i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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