i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
