It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
