First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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