Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
BRING THE BAGELS
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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