her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
