so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
