There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You ruined the universe
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
