I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Randomize
