I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
