apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
