But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
