We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize