The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
