I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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