she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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