Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
