Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
