My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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