It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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