Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
