no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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