Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
