im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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