WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
