I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
