we're chasing vodka with high fives
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
