my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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