I just threw up on my dentist
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
