1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
