My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
