one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
