i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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