I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
