i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
