woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
