Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
