She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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