3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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