Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
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