the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
