just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize