My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
