Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
