His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
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