im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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