I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
