I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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