Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Are my feet made of real feet?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
