why didn't you poke me back
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
