Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He passed out mid-signature
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
