I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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