Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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