If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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